Tod Brilliant ||  Things That I Do

The Buck Chronicles: Fucked We Up

It’s always so fascinating and beautiful to get a true view of our parents’ personal struggles. This was written by my father around 1980, meaning he was pushing 60. He had only just left us to go and find his true life, explore his sexuality and place in the world for the first time. Can you imagine waiting that long? That poor man.

“Once a guy goes to bed w me — he begins to push away — I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t let myself get emotionally involved again — it destroys my new growing sense of worth, self-esteem. I’ve to like myself so well that the next time I won’t feel it’s my inadequacies that fucked it up. Fucked we up. I must have some value to someone — where the hell is he? Oh Boy! Listen to that, Buck. If I’m in a fine place w myself, it will show to the right guy, at the right time.

I feel better equipped to write now. Tod needs me very much and I think Biez and girls do too. And maybe that’s it for now. Forever, maybe.”

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